


Laser Pussy

by DRHPaints



Category: Bill Hader - Fandom, Bill Hader RPF, Laser Cats - Fandom, Saturday Night Live, Saturday Night Live Sketches
Genre: Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Cunnilingus, Damsels in Distress, Explicit Language, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, One Shot, Saturday Night Live References, Silly, Smut, Vaginal Fingering, Vaginal Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-06
Updated: 2020-10-06
Packaged: 2021-03-08 00:06:53
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,525
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26866375
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DRHPaints/pseuds/DRHPaints
Summary: Nitro and Admiral Spaceship have been called forth for one last mission: save Princess Caroline from the hands of Doctor Scientist, who is holding her hostage until he gets the serum that turns laser cats back into regular cats. Once rescued, Princess Caroline expresses her gratitude to Nitro in the privacy of his bunk.
Relationships: Nitro/Original Female Character
Comments: 2
Kudos: 7





	Laser Pussy

**Author's Note:**

  * For [pockets_full_of_posies](https://archiveofourown.org/users/pockets_full_of_posies/gifts).



> Okay, so this is by far the crackiest, stupidest thing I’ve ever written. But oh well, it was fun. Hope you find it amusing, at least.

Cracking open another space beer, Nitro clinked with Admiral Spaceship and smiled. “Ah, retirement is sweet, isn’t it, kemosabe?”

“It sure is.” Grinning broadly, Admiral Spaceship tossed back a hefty swig and hummed appreciatively.

Beep echoing in his headpiece, Nitro raised a hand to his ear. “Oh jeez, getting a message from base!”

The gruff voice of Captain Ted radiated over the airwaves. “General Nitro, Admiral Spaceship; There’s an urgent situation. Doctor Scientist has captured Princess Caroline and is holding her hostage on his floating space station surrounding Alpha Centauri. He says he’ll only release her if we hand over the serum that turns laser cats back into regular cats. I’m sorry, I’m going to need you boys to come out of retirement.”

Admiral Spaceship looked on expectantly as Nitro turned to him in fear. “Princess Caroline is in trouble. Doctor Scientist is holding her for ransom. What do you say, kemosabe? Are you up for one last ride?”

Mouth spreading into a wide smirk, Admiral Spaceship snatched up his white helmet. “You had me at ‘trouble’.”

Rushing to the ship, the Admiral took his place behind the controls. “Go down to the weapons bay, make sure everything is fully loaded. I’m going to shift into hyperspeed. Doctor Scientist is known to be unstable, the Princess’ safety might be at risk.”

Nitro nodded, jogging down the hall and arriving before the metallic doors. Inputting his five digit code, they slid open and a cacophony of meows greeted him. “Hello kitties!” He cooed, hauling a massive bag of kibble into his strong arms and moving from cage to cage filling their bowls. In their years traversing the galaxy, Nitro and Admiral Spaceship amassed Laser Cats of every variety, from common American Shorthairs that gave off your run-of-the-mill red, low grade shots, to a couple of hairless Sphynx which emitted a beam of pure, burning white light.

But as Nitro lowered the cat food, he swallowed hard and cautiously approached their newest acquisition. The huge container was shielded with a blanket, and as Nitro took a step forward, the vicious snarl from within made him jump back in alarm. Hastily, Nitro tore the covering away, dumping a handful of meat chunks into the cage before scurrying back to the cockpit.

It wasn’t long before the gargantuan monstrosity of shimmering metal that was Doctor Scientist’s space station came into view, hovering outside of Alpha Centauri’s star system like a metallic leech. Admiral Spaceship circled carefully, trying to avoid the sensors in hopes that they could dock without being detected. “There.” He pointed at a small hatch that appeared to have little reinforcement compared to the rest of the entries. “That’s our ticket in.”

Setting the ship down with a feather touch, the Admiral followed Nitro and they affixed the felines to their belts, chests, legs; anywhere they could manage, certain a firefight was waiting for them sooner or later on the other side of that door.

Admiral Spaceship glanced at the covered cage. “Should we?”

Nitro nodded solemnly. “It’s time.”

Strapping the secret weapon to his broad back, Nitro bent his knees to deal with the extra weight as Admiral Spaceship broke into the hatch. Once inside, they found a long, narrow hallway, apparently devoid of life.

Eyes locking, Nitro and Admiral Spaceship, tabbies at the ready, shared a nod. “Let’s roll.”

Back to back they crept down the hall, clearing any rooms they passed. It was suspiciously silent and as goosebumps rose on Nitro’s fair skin, his cats began to hiss. Distantly, he heard the clattering of claws on metal. Spinning around, Nitro’s cobalt eyes went wide. “Oh no! Robo-dogs!”

A horde of animatronic hell hounds rounded the corridor, steel jaws snapping and red-eyes zeroing in. Admiral Spaceship fired rapidly, taking down three on the left and rolling into a nearby room. Mowing down four more as he screamed, the canines blocked his exit and Nitro panicked, flattening himself against the wall and hoping they would devour him quickly.

But suddenly sounds of robotic barking and chomping metal ceased. Peeking open an eyelid, Nitro saw the dogs standing around him in a perfect circle, all pointing their noses and lifting a paw, frozen.

“Well, well, well.” A finger of ice slid down Nitro’s spine at the familiar voice bouncing off the silver walls. “If it isn’t...General Nitro.”

Doctor Scientist strode into view, angled limbs whirring with every step as he smiled malevolently below his curled moustache. “Hello...Doctor Scientist.” Nitro sneered, speaking through gritted teeth, causing the muscles in his sharp jaw to flicker.

“And what is it you are doing on this, my lovely space station, Nitro?” Pursing his lips, Doctor Scientist bore forward with his eyepatch, seeming to leer with an eye that no longer existed. “And all alone I see. Where is your little friend?”

Nitro saw Admiral Spaceship’s head poking out of the adjacent doorway, holding a finger to his lips. Apparently the Robo-Dogs had no sense of smell. Determined to keep Doctor Scientist’s attention on himself, Nitro upped his bravado. “I’m here to rescue Princess Caroline and make you pay for your crimes, you fiend.”

Doctor Scientist jerkily walked forward. “Is that so, Nitro?”

Spitting directly into his good eye, Nitro’s light pink lips spread into a slow smirk. “Damn right.”

Human hand shaking with rage, Doctor Scientist wiped his face and glared. “I will not tolerate insubordination.” He raised his clawed hand, slowly closing the pincers around Nitro’s neck until he began to squirm. “Come! We’ll see how confident you are once you’ve faced...The Machine!”

Face red and eye twitching, Doctor Scientist released Nitro from his grasp and began taking heavy steps down the hallway, directing the dogs to corral Nitro behind him. Knowing the Doctor didn’t catch a glimpse of the secret weapon with his back to the wall, Nitro decided to take a risk. Undoing his shoulder straps, he heard four heavy paws hit the floor. One of the dogs snapped but was immediately dispatched with a blinding flash. He then unhooked all his remaining laser cats. Hoping they were padding their way to Admiral Spaceship, Nitro followed Doctor Scientist down what seemed to be a never ending, winding route until they arrived at two imposing onyx doors. 

Punching in a code with his good hand, they slid aside and Nitro gasped. The room was huge, Nitro needing to crane his neck to get a blurry image of wires and pipes far above. But it was difficult to draw his attention away from the center. For hanging in the air, three straps cracklings with electricity holding her firm, was Princess Caroline, suspended over a maw of grinding, gnashing metallic teeth, hungry and furious and eagerly awaiting for the tiniest morsel to fall into their gullet.

“ _No!”_ Nitro called out, rushing forward until one of the dogs nipped at his ankle and forced him back. “Let her go!”

Doctor Scientist laughed maniacally. “Oh, I think not, Nitro! In fact, perhaps you would care to join her?” Shifting a lever, the electric arms carried Caroline safely to the floor, still keeping her limbs restrained. 

Red clamp closing around the back of his neck, Doctor Scientist marched Nitro forward, and as soon as he got within a couple of feet, the glowing arms shot out, squidlike, lassoing him in and sealing him against Caroline. 

As they were hoisted over The Machine once more, Nitro and Caroline struggled fruitlessly. “Let us go!” Nitro cried out. “You can’t do this!”

Caroline’s eyes met Nitro’s, green pools of fear. Fingertips curling over hers where their arms were mashed together, Nitro smiled and lowered his voice. “It’s going to be alright, Princess.”

“How?” Whispering, she met his sapphire gaze and swallowed.

Nitro lifted one of his prominent dark eyebrows, wide smirk playing over his lips. “Just trust me.”

Cackling, Doctor Scientist held his limbs aloft. “I can do anything I want! Soon, I will have the serum to disarm all laser cats and I will take over as President of the Galaxy. Nothing can stop me!”

“Oh yeah?” Admiral Spaceship appeared, and Nitro beamed as he watched him struggle to hoist the lynx in his arms. “Try disarming this!” Firing, a prism of multicolored light roared forth from the feral cat’s gaping mouth, blasting Doctor Scientist back into the wall and leaving him crumpled and smoking.

Suddenly, as if they were connected to his personal circuit board, the arms began lowering Nitro and Caroline toward the sharp roiling teeth below. Caroline screamed, kicking helplessly and Nitro’s strong arms tried to flex them free, but to no avail. “Admiral Spaceship! Help! Hurry!”

Spotting their distress, Admiral Spaceship dropped the cat and approached the switch board, flustered by the extensive number of knobs, levers and buttons. “I don’t know which one to push!” He called out.

Feet drawing closer to catastrophe, Nitro shouted. “Just try anything!”

Taking a deep breath, Admiral Spaceship closed his eyes and yanked on a red lever. Machine grinding to a halt, the arms tossed Nitro and Caroline without warning, and had Nitro not balled himself around her body, they certainly would’ve broken several bones. 

As it was, Nitro stood stiffly, certain of bruises tomorrow as he helped Caroline to her feet. “Are you alright, Princess?”

“Yeah...yeah, I think so. Thank you.”

Admiral Spaceship came rushing over. “Oh my goodness, are you guys okay?”

“Yeah.” Hands on his narrow hips, Nitro tipped his head. “That was...too close.”

Nodding, the three of them gathered up the cats, strapping the lynx to Nitro’s back once more as Princess Caroline cuddled a calico to her chest and they returned to the ship. They replaced all the felines in their cages and Admiral Spaceship offered a small salute. “Well, I’ll bring us home, kemosabe.” Smiling, he offered a little wave and made his way to the cockpit.

Caroline rested her hand on Nitro’s vast shoulder. “Thank you so much for saving me. I don’t know how I can ever repay you.”

“Just keep ruling your quadrant fairly, that’s all I ask.” Nitro smiled, giving her fingers a squeeze. 

“Perhaps…” Cupping his sharp jaw, Caroline met his dark blue eyes and leaned in. “You could give me a tour of your ship.”

Swallowing hard, Nitro looked down at her and nodded. “Alright. Come with me, your majesty.” Taking her by the hand, Nitro glanced at Admiral Spaceship as they walked by to make sure he was occupied with the controls before leading Caroline to his bunk. Doors sliding shut behind them, Caroline swiveled in close fingers weaving into his silky chestnut hair as she linked to Nitro’s light pink lips.

Audibly exhaling, Nitro’s sizable hands found her hips, walking Caroline backward to the bed and laying her down. Breaking their kiss, Caroline polished his prominent cheekbone and gazed into Nitro’s stormy blue eyes. “Make love to me.”

“If you say so, your majesty.” Nitro grinned, making his eyebrows dance as he bunched her gown about her waist. Caroline spread her legs and Nitro notched himself in between, grinding his growing erection into her heat as he undid the string at her bodice to release her breasts. 

Plucking away his earpiece and red, white, and blue headband, Caroline’s fingers danced in his silky dark tendrils as she rocked her pelvis against him. Nitro snuck his hand below the waistband of her satin panties, discovering Caroline was wet and ready as his lengthy fingers circled her clit.

Soft moans issuing from her lips, Caroline reached down to palm Nitro’s thick erection through the gray sweatshorts, tugging greedily until his precum made a wet spot in the fabric. 

Panting into her open mouth, Nitro shook his head and guided Caroline’s wrist away. “I need to taste you, Princess.”

Brushing kisses along his crisp jawline, Caroline nodded enthusiastically. “Yes, please, Nitro. _Please_.”

Scrambling down her body, Nitro hoisted the many layers of tulle out of the way and kissed her inner thighs, thumb rubbing tantalizingly over Caroline’s clit before he dove forward with his sculpted jaw. Tongue lapping voraciously, Nitro hooked his large hands under her legs and clamped onto Caroline’s hips, dragging her toward his eager mouth and moaning into her sensitive flesh.

“ _Oh Nitro! Yes! Don’t stop!”_ Caroline rutted against his chiseled features, eyes closed and mouth agape in ecstasy as her slippered feet writhed over Nitro’s broad back. 

Lips enveloping her clit, Nitro sucked intensely until Caroline quaked, her screams bouncing off the confined walls of his bunk as she tore at his dark locks, body seizing and dripping down his chin. 

Wiping his face, Nitro emerged, capturing Caroline’s mouth one more as he inched the gray sweatshorts down his hips and unearthed his massive cock. Head pressed to her entrance, Nitro studied Caroline’s face. “Are you ready?”

“Yes, Nitro. I need you now.” Caroline breathed. 

Surging forward, Caroline gasped at the stretch as Nitro began rotating his hips, placing a hand between them to fiddle her clit in time with his movements. Clinging to his expansive shoulders, Caroline’s pelvis rose to meet his every stroke as Nitro glided inside of her and their tongues twirled.

Pulling away, Caroline held his gaze, a smile creeping over her plump lips. “Harder.” She ordered. “Fuck me like you just saved the galaxy, Nitro.”

Chuckling, Nitro nodded. “Your wish is my command, your majesty.” Hauling one of her legs over his broad shoulder, Nitro winked at Caroline before he began pounding ferociously.

The sounds he shook from her curvaceous frame were unknown to this world as Caroline’s eyes rolled and she constricted violently around his hammering cock. “ _Nitro! Yes! Fuck me! Just like that!_ ”

Clawing at his sleeveless blue shirt, Caroline frantically drove herself onto Nitro’s substantial cock, seeking friction as his fingers raced over her clit. “Yeah, does that feel good, Princess?” Nitro growled, nipping at her neck. “Do you like the way I fuck you? Huh?”

“ _Yes, Nitro! Yes!_ ” Caroline cried, convulsing helplessly and tightening around him again. “ _No one in the universe fucks me like you do! Yes!”_

Clapping their flesh together with abandon, Nitro fused their mouths, desperately trying to kiss her as his movements grew erratic and Caroline seized around him a third time. “ _Oh Caroline! Fuck! Princess! Yes! I’m gonna cum! Fuck! FUCK!”_

 _“Fifteen minutes to places, Hader!”_ Snorting awake from a knock at the door, Bill blinked and glanced around his dressing room. An oblong of drool was soaking into his ‘Laser Cats’ script where he fell asleep and as he looked down at himself he saw he was wearing the Nitro costume, erection straining insistently below the gray sweatshorts. Bill supposed he shouldn’t be surprised. As was his unfortunate custom, he’d been awake since Thursday, his anxiety typically keeping him on the run until he completed taping.

But he sat down after eating to review his lines, drifting off, only to slip into that crazy dream that felt so _real._ Sighing, Bill gazed down at his cock, snagging a couple of tissues from in front of his mirror before moving to the couch. _Well, I can’t go out there like this..._

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for taking the time to read! If you enjoyed this story, please leave a comment or come say hi on tumblr at fandomtransmandom. I also take requests!


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